Have you seen those financial planning commercials that line people up on a big field and they walk forward to the age they think they’re going to live, but a big rubber band stops them at the point they’re going to run out of money? Most of them come up well short of their life expectancy.

Poor bastards! How will they live? This sent me scurrying to look at my retirement position, and I’m pleased to report that I’ll be fine until I reach the age of 47.  Hmmmm … that can’t be right!

But there is a way to beat that system, and — to quote Capt. James T. Kirk  — “I … have … a … plan!”

My wife — let’s call her “Carrie” — has assumed the usual position of skeptic when it comes to me having it all figured out.

“You have a plan,” she says, half-mocking, half-disgusted. (Not an easy tone to pull off, but she’s a pro!)

“Why yes. Yes, I do.”

“OK, let’s hear your brilliant plan.”

“You want to hear my plan.”

“Come on, let’s hear the plan.”

“You want to hear my plan.”

I don’t remember much after that, because a frying pan blow to the head will make you lose your train of thought, and, in many cases, consciousness.

But I do have a plan. And I’ll share it with you now.

I’m going to win the lottery.

People win the lottery all the time. It’s gotta be my turn sooner or later, right? I mean, the odds grow more in my favor with each passing torn-up ticket, right?

I have given this way more thought than I should. Somehow, I’ve become totally fixated on winning the lottery. For example:

HEADLINE: Sexual predator wins $3 million in lottery

(From USA Today, Dec. 11, 2014 … no lie!):
A convicted sexual predator is now a rich man after winning $3 million on a Florida Lottery scratch-off ticket.

Timothy Poole, 43, purchased the ticket Saturday night at a convenience store in Mount Dora, near Orlando, TV station WKMG reports.

Poole was arrested in 1999 on a charge of sexually battering a 9-year-old boy, a member of a family whose home he had once lived in, the TV station reported.  Poole denied the charges but eventually pleaded guilty to attempted sexual battery and was sentenced to the 13 months he had already served in jail.

Blah blah blah … (my edits)

A friend told the TV station he was with Poole when he learned he had won.

“He was flabbergasted. He couldn’t believe it,” Floyd Snyder said.

#  # #

Neither could I. No one knows when or where the Fickle Finger of Fortune will bless someone with its touch, but … this guy? He cops a plea of sexual battery of a young boy and gets a $3 million reward. I don’t win a thing, EVER, and I’ve never hurt a fly (except when my wife literally goes straight to DEFCON 1 when she sees one.) “A BUG! KILL IT! KILL IT!  UNNH-HUH-HUH-HUH…HUFF-PHEW-HUFF-PHEW-HUFF-HUFF.. WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW?? IT’S OVER THERE NOW! KILL IT!!  (Thwack!)  YOU MISSED IT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!  AAARRHHHHH!!!

The sexual predator gets three million dollars, and I get this.

What a world!