Muses are like taxis. They’re never around when you need one. But finally, after months of hailing, whistling and showing some leg, one actually stopped for me! (A muse, not a cab.)

My friends, it’s been a while. So what’s been going on? How’re the kids.. and grandkids?? Glad to hear it!! Me? I’ve spent the last months just kinda getting old. And reading.

I saw an article about determining the correct time to take a getting-old person’s car keys away. The answer was, when that person could unwittingly do harm to him/her self and other drivers.

Apparently, there’s also a time to take something else away from us older folks — our cellphones. To be clear, I write this a person well known for unresponsiveness and lack of small talk or even common decency.

Oh, don’t kid yourself. In the wrong hands, a mis-sent text or email can do a great deal of harm, from a social and emotional standpoint. That must be why I’m seeing more instances of texts being sent to someone’s phone number, and the reply coming from the spouse. (Anecdotal observation: it seems more wives are handling their husband’s phones than the other way around. You girls must think we’re IDIOTS!!)

A recent text exchange among friends supports this hypothesis:

“Wow.. I can’t believe Helen let you go to the concert with us. I guess she wanted a night off from babysitting you. LOL!”

“This IS Helen, and you’re a dick!”

See what I mean?

There’s so much to unpack here. First of all, it’s a fact that women understand how phone texts work much better than men do, just by the mere fact of being ON the phone for so many hours a day.

And guys, don’t you know how to lock your phones? Do you just leave it laying around, unlocked, so your wives can just pick it up and start replying to YOUR texts?? I would NEVER, under any circumstances, give my wife access to my phone call logs or text streams (unless, of course, she asked me for it.)

There should be a flag, or something — a light, perhaps — to let you know when a guy’s phone is in the hands of his wife. That could save a lot of embarrasing back-pedaling and denial.

[Guy texting with someone he believes to be a guy friend]

“Hey George.. had a great time with you guys last night. I especially enjoyed watching your wife finish off that 24-ounce porterhouse all by herself! Mooooo! LOL!! JKJKJK!”

“This is George’s wife, and you’re a dick.”

“Oh, hey… I, uh, meant I was Mooo-ved by how much you seemed to enjoy your meal! So glad we could spend time together.”

“You’re still a dick.”

“Uh, sorry. Anyway, that was for George.. why do you have his phone?”

“To make sure HE doesn’t act like a dick.”

Perhaps the worst thing is when a getting-old person is dealing with multiple conversations at once. Literally, there is no margin for error.

“Say, what’d you think about the game last night?”

“Me too! Cheese always make me fart!”

“What?”

“Sorry. Wrong convo. Yeah, it’s too bad they fell short of winning it all.”

“What???”

“Dammit! Wrong convo. Hahahaha! Beans also make me fart.”

Of course, an equal amount of harm can be done by simply not answering the texts. Forgive me, but I do not live with my phone Crazy-Glued to my hand. I’ve either left it someplace I can’t remember, or I have it but its charge is zero percent, or I’m actually busy doing something else. Frustrating for folks trying to reach me, I know. I envision them holding their phones close to their faces, ready to pounce when a message comes in. (In fact, I often get gifs of folks tapping their hands to show they’re waiting impatiently for a reply.)

But in defense of my response times, I say, ‘Hey, it’s still faster than carrier pigeons!’ And a lot less messy.