Here’s a recent true story:
During the recent storm-induced blackout, my children stayed with their air-conditioned aunt and uncle for a coupl’a days. My brother-in-law, the good soul that he is, rose early one morning to get breakfast for everyone, and asked the kids to text him what they wanted. My oldest likes her eggs full of things like spinach and tomatoes, and HOT SAUCE! My sister-in-law saw her request, and texted her husband that she’d like the same thing as well.
Now my brother-in-law knows my sister-in-law has a negative reaction to hot sauce — her head itches! — so he thought it must have been a mistake, and he didn’t get it for her.
Upon my sister-in-law telling me this story, I immediately thought to myself: ‘An itchy head? That’s IT? That’s what this big deal was all about? I thought you were going to say something about anaphylactic shock, but no.. an itchy head? REALLY?’
When I collected myself, I asked what I believed was a question that would tie the bow on this story. ‘So did he bring you something else home?’
She admitted that he did, and I said, ‘Well, he’s got to get some credit for that, right?’
‘But it’s not what I wanted,’ she said.
That all got me to thinkin’… when you get old, and have been married a long time, does life turn into a zero-sum game? You’re either all right or horribly wrong.. no middle ground.
I thought about what would happen if I were in my brother-in-law’s shoes. And then I thought, ‘Shit, I’ve been in that spot a thousand times.’
I’m in the grocery store, and Carrie, my beautiful wife, has asked me to pick up regular, unflavored Triscuits crackers. I look in the aisle. Rosemary, basil, garlic and onion, salsa, avocado.. Damn! Triscuits has almost as many variations as Cheerios and Oreos!
Shopping screeches to a halt as I stand paralyzed, hoping beyond hope that I missed the one box of regular, unflavored Triscuits that’s hiding somewhere, perhaps mistakenly placed behind a Wheat Thins box! No luck.
What to do? If I bring home the wrong crackers, I won’t get a “That’s OK, Doovie (that’s what she calls me when I get the right crackers!) The store just ran out.’ Instead, I’m sure I’ll get a ‘This is NOT what I asked for, David. I’m returning it.’
Hence, the title.. no margin for old men. But I’d grade that shopping experience as like getting a 50 on a test.. the answer was wrong, but I showed my work and should get some credit for that, right?
All I can say is, thank God for cellphones! Now, when stuck on the horns of a shopping dilemma, I can just use my lifeline to get the correct answer, which likely would be,’OK, just get the Rosemary.’
Cellphones.. the key to a happy marriage! Now, if I could just find mine….