Hello friends! Sorry I’ve been radio silent; I’ve been catching up on my AARP magazines. And, I’m happy to report that after months of struggle and some personal trauma, Cloris Leachman has successfully transitioned to soft foods! “Giving up my beloved Crunchy Cheetos was the hardest part,” the 92-year-old actress best known for her role as Frau Blucher in 1974’s ‘Young Frankenstein’ said, after telling readers in lurid detail about how her teeth rotted and fell out of her head. “But if I can do it, by gum, so can you!”

The AARP is a wonderful resource for all things old — especially their members! Where else can you get tips like: ‘Dementia: A Figment of your Imagination?’ ‘Walkers … not just for walking anymore!’ ‘Such Senior Bargains!’ That last one caught my eye. But the first money-saving tip, regarding house cleaning, is ‘do it yourself.’ Sorry, but that’s not a bargain in my book. A bargain would be a wife who cleaned without eating your kishkas out! (Tip for AARP publishers: ‘Where to find a wife who’ll clean for you without eating your kishkas out’ … that’ll boost the old click rates! That’s a computer thing, not bad dentures!)

I kid the AARP, mostly because they can’t see or hear me. Literally. I could be in a room with the AARP, screaming while strobe lights … er, strobe … and there’d be absolutely no reaction.

Anyway, another of their recent articles was titled, “The Future of Hearing: In-ear devices will do more than improve sound.” Now, I don’t require a hearing aid just yet, but I”m almost certain the in-ear kind will work a lot better than the kind you stick up your ASS! Just sayin’…

How about some REAL advice that readers can use, like “How to Find Your Car Keys 60 Seconds After You Put Them Down Someplace,” or “Leftovers again? How to Tell Your Wife That You’re Sick of Boiled Chicken!”

Incidentally, along with the AARP Magazine in my mailbox, I received a letter from a law firm, advising me that I’d better make out a living will. (TBH, before this mailing, I thought wills only took effect when you were dead!) But clearly, that’s not the case. It’s about how, if you get too sick to tell the doctors how to treat you, you can designate your spouse as the conveyor of your final wishes. Spouse, eh? No other choices there?

I can already see it, and it’s not going well.

Doctor: “Mrs. Rosenberg, I’m sorry to say your husband is in a coma, and it’s possible he won’t come out of it. Did he have a living will?”

Carrie: It’s RUBINSTEIN.

Doctor: I’m so sorry, Mrs. Rosenberg. Mr. RUBINSTEIN is in a coma, and it’s possible he won’t come out of it. Did he have a living will?”

Carrie: He may have.

Doctor: Well, we’ll need to see it so we know how to treat him.

Carrie: You don’t need to see it. I’ll tell you how to treat him. DO NOT RESUSCITATE.

Doctor: But it’s only a coma. Ninety-nine percent of the time, people come out of them fine.

Carrie: Well, he always wanted to be a 1-percenter. Maybe you didn’t understand me. What, do you have one of those hearing aids stuck up your ass?? I said, DO NOT RESUSCITATE.

Me: ___________________________________

I woke up in a cold sweat, trying frantically to extract myself from the CPAP hose. I looked over, and saw Carrie sleeping, so peacefully, with just a hint of a smile. My bet is that she was having the exact same dream!