Don’t you hate it when you go to see one of your all-time favorite bands in concert, and after a few of their biggest hits, they launch into an hour of music you’ve never heard before?

There’s only one reason I can think of to watch 75-year-olds perform — and it has nothing to do with little blue pills!! (I threw up a little in my mouth just writing that!) I go to these concerts to hear the songs I know. Bands must think that putting out new music keeps them relevant. They’re wrong. It’s their hits that keep them relevant. These are the songs that bring back memories of what we were doing when we first heard them. As the brilliant Ray Davies famously wrote, “You gotta give the people what they want!”

Quick story. You know “The Joker” by The Steve Miller Band. “Pompitous of love!” Right? One time, back in the day, me and a bunch of friends were driving around aimlessly, because that was our main activity. Because the car was packed, I ended up getting separated from a girl I was seeing, who sat up front next to the driver. Next thing I know, she’s making out with the guy! While he’s driving!! (Under different circumstances, I might have found that impressive!) Anyway, the point is, I can’t stand to listen to that song to this day! That taunting “Whoot, Whooo!” makes me want to take a tire iron to my radio!

Maybe that story illustrates a reverse point. Wait… I’ve got one! “Under the Boardwalk” by The Drifters. That was a song my wife and I were to dance to at our wedding (why I’m setting myself up for another reminder of what a schmuck I am, I’m not certain). But just before the band was to play that song, my college roommate came up to me and told me the pressure in one of his car tires was low, and asked me to go outside to check it out with him. (Clever, huh?)  Anyway, while I was out, the song came on, my bride danced alone, and the first of what would become many blows to the head was delivered. Again, not really a positive memory, but you get the point. Music is a powerful trigger when it’s associated with an emotion, and when a band plays songs that I have no emotional attachment to, then it’s time to hit the men’s room and get another cold one from the concession stand.

That’s why I am a total satelitte radio guy. I can listen to exactly the music I want, without commercials, without Cardi B interrupting my listening pleasure! 60s! 70s! Classic rock! Classic vinyl! That’s my kind of music. I don’t have to worry about them slipping in a song I can’t relate to. Sirius-ly!

Another side note .. My wife has missed some of the great performances in rock  ‘n’ roll history. The Who playing ‘Quadrophenia’ .. asleep at ‘The Real Me.’ Eric Clapton? Willed herself to sleep before it began. The Allman Brothers Band? “Why don’t you take a friend.. It’ll be more fun for you!” But Neil Diamond?? Screaming “Sweet Caroline” at the top of her lungs! She even swayed with the stranger standing next to her, but had a grimace on her face the whole time because … hands, touching hands! And poor Carrie.. wipeless!

To be completely honest, though, there are some new sounds that I’m tuning into. They’re the sounds my body makes when I try to get out of bed in the morning. I have to roll onto my left side (‘Oohhhh’), swing my legs off the bed, (‘Oyyyy!’), push up with my left arm to sit upright at the edge (‘Crack! Crunch! Owwww!’), and then stand (‘Snap! What the hell????’). As I rotate my head to stretch my neck… rocks in a blender. I bend to grab my flip-flops and hear an unoiled door hinge followed by what sounds and feels like a gunshot, as my back lets me know it wasn’t ready to bend just then!

This is the new soundtrack of my life. I give it an 8, ‘cause you can dance to it.