You know what’s getting old? Getting punched and kicked all night long by a wife who CLAIMS you snore too much! I called her out on it, and she had the audacity to produce a recording of what she said was me snoring. “You downloaded that from some website,” I countered. She denied it. “I’m going to record YOU snoring.. it’s YOU waking YOURSELF up! And I’m going to punch and kick YOU all night long.”

So you see, it’s still open for debate.

I went to my doctor. (Are we sensing a recurring theme here? But this isn’t really about the doctor. It’s about marital relations!)

The doc said I should have a sleep evaluation. I wanted to be clear on this. “So, I come in here and just sleep? SIGN ME UP!” And then, the results were in. Severe sleep apnea. For the restful, apneas are when you stop breathing while sleeping because the airway in your throat gets blocked by your lazy-ass tongue.

So now, I have a shiny new medical device on my nightstand, right where my porn used to be. It’s a full facial mask connected by a long hose to a machine that forces pressurized air into my face all night long. Picture trying to sleep with a leaf blower crammed into your mouth. You’re basically gasping all night, because it takes all the strength you can muster while trying to sleep just to exhale against that wind.

But I gotta tell ya… chicks dig it! (Especially the part about the long hose!) No, just kidding about that part. It’s no fun for either me or my wife.

First of all, the mask doesn’t always fit right. Air squeaks out the side, or blows out of the top, forcing air into your eyes. Try sleeping while blinking 100 times a minute! SO restful!!  I find that I actually sleep less now than I did before. But at least, as they say, it’s a DRY sleep.

And then there’s the hose. I’m not the kind of guy who lays down in the bed and wakes up in the exact same position the next morning, so as I toss and turn, I spend the night wrestling to get it away from my neck, or out from under my face, or somehow squashed into my ear! It’s like a boa constrictor patiently, methodically squeezing the life out of me each and every night.

There is a fun side… the muffled sound I can emit when I roll to my right and wheeze at the missus… “wanna fool around?” I tell her I’d like to have her, right then and there … like Hannibal Lechter, with some fava beans and a nice chianti!

Invariably, the answer is no.

 

JUST KEEP SCROLLING!!